The Forever types

The sun was about to go down. He could taste the salt from the sea water on his dried of lips. He stood, he watched, as the sun immersed itself into the wide open, vast mass that spread till infinity. He walked further more into it. The waves splashed against his wide open chest, which for him was already crumbled under his acts of vandalism, actions that brought him to this moment. He stood there, wishing if those waves would take him along with them, each moment they took away the piece of land, those fistfuls of sand, from underneath his foot. He stood there, waist deep in that cold, hard water, not knowing if turning back or turning in would do the trick for him. Somewhere in the middle of all of those, a tear drop rolled immersed itself into waves. No one saw it, not even him. The limbo was too much to get out from, but the drop sure stood for something. There was life left somewhere inside him. You could beg, borrow, steal, lie, cheat, endure, kill, get battered, but never get past your heart and the way it churns things! As the day set, he was still standing there, alone, aloof yet perplexed. He knew he was never to know, if he was going to turn back or turn himself in.

                                                                                     ***

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” she screamed through the phone

“What do you think it sounds like” he giggled

“You sick moron. You bloody cant trick me into coming to you anymore. I love him, alright. De…….”

“I love you.”

“Someday, you’ll know how it is to be put through something like this. You’ll wish you never did that. You’ll wish if all of this never happened. You’ll wish if you were something that I wanted you to be. And you fucking asshole, I won’t be there to bring you back to life then.”

She had hung up, long before he could say something. He smiled. ‘How much do I love that crazy chick’.

He threw the phone away, got dressed and walked onto the beach outside. His job, for today was done.

                                                                              ***

“I’m here”, she said, as she came there and stood by him.

Both of them, stood there, silently, for the few minutes that arrived since then. She had her hair open, and it flew in his direction. He moved a little closer to her. He always loved the proximity. Her scent filled him up. ‘How much have I longed to be so close to her.’ How he wished she settled down in his arms, then and there. He looked at her feet, there was still his name tattooed on her ankle. She hated herself for it; he had never loved her more. He put his hand on her shoulder. She trembled, he needed no rocket science knowledge to know that. That skin belonged to him, she belongs to be, he said to himself.

“I knew you were going to”

“What is the whole point behind it, Zaid. We are not going anywhere. You had a chance back then, you had a chance till last night.”

“But this morning changed everything.”

“Changed what” she interrogated. She wished that he would win her over, like he always did, but for once she wanted to be in charge to. Giving in was a joy. She wanted this to be the last time that she was going to give in. She wanted the joy to last forever too.

“I woke up today. Next to some woman, and I knew that wasn’t what I wanted…” she was already mumbling something

“So this is your idea of making it up to me, eh. Right after the day when you ask me to get the fuck out of your life, on my face, you want me back, cause it was me that you wished you woke up with this morning. Brilliant one I must tell you. I must admit….”

“Latika”

“…. I have started falling in love with this idea of yours”

“That idea, might just cease to exist, if I get to wake up, right next to you, each morning, with nothing but your touch caressing me out of my slumber, with nothing but your voice and words lingering in me, all day long; with the idea of coming back to you, each night, knowing that no matter how bad the storm is, there’s a shelter in your arms for me, where I could reside during the darkest of my days, saving me from those unbearable thousand suns and hard hitting waves and winds, your scent lingering upon me, while I drift back to the slumber of mine……. And this continues till I bid goodbye to this life of mine…”

“and you rather waved a good bye to me…”

“that would be my goodbye to everything beautiful that I have ever known, the goodbye to the most prized possession I am ever to have, if she lets me keep on saying the nicest thing even born out of love for a woman, from a man. If she lets me do that, till she’s content and he’s out of his words… Till no word makes sense, no action stands a chance in painting on the canvas what he and she are to each other, to the world. She for him, he in her trembling arms, putting to rest love and fear and everything else, ever known to a man, and all that is ever heard is she is for him….”

He kept on mumbling all of this, until he realized she wasn’t there anymore. She had walked off long ago. She was walking with someone. And then it registered inside him, somewhere during his mumbling, he had heard her saying something.

“I love you. Goodbye. The forever types.” was what she had said. He then walked into the waves.

Angst

It’s been long since I have written something, and most of its blame should go to the fact that it’s been long since I have written something. Dominoes, you see! You take your stance amongst them, admiring their beauty, unaware about the fact that they might collapse any moment, and then, you are amidst a fall you cannot outrun! There’s a moment for everything, and that moment is every moment that we live, laugh, talk, bitch, crawl, creep and everything else; only we fail to realize that realizations is what we are looking for. We always believe we are special, we are taught to look out for the miracles and the diminished facts, because anything banal is more than banal for us. Why go after, after what everyone is going!

This is one of those posts, like those pages in a chronicle where I am supposed to vent things out; things that have been inside for now like more than 6 months. This in an outburst! The next time someone tells you that don’t work your brains out the times when you are angry or sad, slap them the tightest ever, right across their face, because those are the only moments when you are you, and not the pretender whose live you live otherwise.

Today I write this in my angst, an angst budded through inconsolable love that I had for something, burning right through days and nights. Today I scrabble this in my angst, an angst conceived through the fact that when given a chance of choosing between happiness and cruelty arranged and set up well masochism, people go for the latter one. Today I jot my angst out in angst, an angst baked in a womb, a womb of waiting for the calling to come, for things to happen after all of the begging, pleading, threats and requests. Today I write this to give up my angst, an angst which now has got me through the thoughts that it all shall work out to my peace and love. Today I stand devoid of my angst, an angst that got me back to my words after 7 long months. Today I stand happy that it never worked out! And it is today that a beacon has started shinning upon me, something that I hope will keep me very close to my words, now, then and henceforth, for the long, long time! 

The Final Call-Part 3.

He was awake, he was awake all night. Every now and then, he would peep through the curtains, and look at the dazzled sky. The stars flickered, and so did his heart. He saw the moon, all white and milky and beautiful, of course. And occasionally the cool breeze flew. It ran through the curtains at the open window, and it ran through his hair. He closed his eyes, to feel them go right through him. On the other side of the bed lay Swarna. The night was nothing but vengeful. They tore each other apart, in its very literal sense. She didn’t moan, but she screamed in pleasure. He wasn’t soft, rather he ran through her. Both of them looked into each other’s eyes, occasionally, and things were spoken. She needed more and he was not done. They ravished love, all night long, and when they were tired, they dozed off, into the deep slumbers of theirs, without uttering a single word, at the far ends of the bed, with no promises of invading each other for the whole of what was left of the night! 

For her, it was more of an adventure. That well known guy, he ended up being in the bed with me, kind off a feeling. She had nothing to ponder over, or worry about. She knew, once the morning settled in, he would be gone, and so will the aura. She was doing, what human beings are supposed to do the best, living in the moment. And with all of this in her mind, she had gone off to sleep. 

In each moment that he had made love to her, there was less of love and more of hunger inside him. He was being driven by a strange pleasure. The pleasure that promised him an ecstasy the next time when he was to meet Isha, a force so powerful, that it made him shed all of his colours of humanity, and made him become a hound, for the very sake of his selfishness. Each time he thrust himself into her, in his mind, he was counting, a beat less, a moment reduced, before his union with Isha. And this very thought made him go all out. When he was done, he threw Swarna away. She was, now, nothing more than carcass for him. He was done with her. All that now he could think of, was about the sun and the mist and the morning. The clock ticked, and he slithered. The morning was going to be special. Things were going to come to an end. He had made a promise to himself and Isha. He was to put a stop to all of this, he was to begin things from a new knot. He was to untangle things, and unleash the love, all of it that was hidden inside that trembling heart of his. He looked at the sky, it was still dark and cold. He counted starts, he made shapes out of them. The night was young, and he was as restless as he was determined. Like a sad toddle, he dragged himself through it.

                                                                              ***

The glance was quick, the act was even quicker. The very moment he felt his skin getting lit up against the morning sun, he was out of the bed. No good bye, leaving no words behind, he put on his clothes and climbed down the stairs. He did not give a fuck about the girl he slept with last night. All that mattered to him was Isha, and every other woman he met, was only supposed to bring them closer. They are destined to work that way, he had always taught himself, he had made himself believe. For sometimes truth is what we want to believe, and not what we should believe in. He walked through the pathway. It was wet. There was water on the pavements. The Lily was drenched, and it sparkled, in the sun light. It had rained the night before. He was astonished, why he didn’t realize any of it. As a matter of fact, he didn’t remember much about the night before. He stopped. He looked at his watch. 7:05 am. I have an hour to kill, he told himself. He took out a cigarette, and lit it. Chewing on the first puff and letting it out, he thought and he smiled. All of the fury and the fragility were coming to an end today. The epilogue of a fable, that had been around for long, wandering through the same old lanes of lust, agony and misunderstandings.
 
                                                                         ***

Isha woke up broken, worse that what she had been the previous night and there was no consoling her. She loved him. That was a fact there. She despised him to the core that he was the only person that she could not stand. That was a fact there too. She was poised, unable and uncertain, of the call that she had to make. The final call. In her heart, she had already been through a lot of it. In her mind, she had to get the answers. And in those moments of restoring believes and believing that things will be restored, there was a moment, a split second, when she knew that he was coming to her. She knew it had to happen. It had happened many a times in the past. She curled back into the corner. Her slashed skin lay bathed in the dried blood. Her clothes had red spilled all over them. Those gentle red eyes begged of mercy, the splashed kohl, of forgiveness. All of those emotions, they were running away from something, something of which she was made a part of, and something of which, she never knew she was a part of. 


Ash made her way to the corner, she curled up besides Isha. She consoled her, she confronted her. She took her into her arms. The dried blood, mixed with sweat and blood gave out an odour. The ones that you get in creepy places, pungently sweet. She fetched for both of them drinks and they sat down, and they talked, or at least tried to. To get rid of all of what they had been through, to spare for themselves a little moment, when all that matters is that small talk. Then there was a knock. Isha’s eyes sprung out. Ash eyes were blood red with anger. They looked at each other. It was anticipated, an unwritten scroll, a foreseen occurrence that was to happen, that had to happen. The girls spoke to each other, not in words, but they understood what the other wanted. Isha begged for forgiveness, Ash sprayed disgust all over. She darted to the door, and he was there. Without uttering a single word, she went away, leaving the hunted and the poacher in each other’s proximity. He stepped in, he closed the door behind him, he bolted every lock on it. He did not wished to be stopped, he didn’t wish to be interrupted. He then walked through the house, he knew exactly where he would find her.

                                                                               ***

The moment, the very first moment, when he had met her, he knew this was not something that would pass away as the monsoon clouds. It was there to stay, and he wanted to flow. He wished to be powerless, he wished to be tattered and he wished to be loved, as never before. And that was the very reason that he decided to give into the insatiable desire, the irresistible urge. 

And then, as time passed he weaved all of his world around her, and saved all of it for the last. He wanted the final act to be special. There had been enough words, already. He was cruel, he knew it, and it was time, he decided, that he stepped up! And while swaying through the turbulence, he knew it. This was just the beginning. He had just met her. He was still to be in the turbulence, for she was to be there. And he let himself drown in the scented stings, that she embarked upon him.

                                                                             ***

He found her, exactly where he had thought she would be. Their eyes met. He walked towards her, and sat right next to her. She leaned over on his shoulders, and he put his arm around her.

“I have missed you” Anuj said, with all of the love and affection that he could churn up from his decayed inside. He was in love with her, and that was all that she had to know, and with the very assurance of the words that he had uttered, she knew that she had not lost him. Saved again, she sighed. And at the very moment, she started getting filled with agony, hatred.

“Who was it, this time?”Isha asked, her fury evident.

“Someone, who could never get to be you, for me. No one has been there yet, except, of course, you."


With two different people, in this or any other scenario, this would have been nothing buy a cheesy smart talk, the ones that people put to use, once they are caught red handed. But here, it was very much plain, more than evident, that it was their love speaking. Anuj did love her, with all of his heart, and it was this very love, that drove him to do all of the acts, the ones, that other’s considered brutal. She never understood why he did it, she never asked. She always had that invisible assurance of having him, right in her arms. He kissed those open sores of hers. The smell of blood still lingered on her skin. 

Their lips met, vigorously squeezing out all of the lust that they had in store for one another. He bit her neck and she scratched his back. Sweat drops rolled over their bodies as they fondled each other. His naked flesh felt cold on her. He devoured on her breasts. Their hands clasped and he entered her. She moaned, for this was the pleasure for which she undertook the ordeal, he screeched, for this was his ultimate prize, both of them drove each other to a new level of ecstasy and pleasure, each time they looked into each other’s eyes. And it ended. The innocent act, that the society has killed and butchered, reaching at the pinnacles of joy and contentment. And most importantly, a new horizon of whatever they had for each other. Love is a very over-rated emotion, he had once told her. He said he had read it somewhere. 

She lay on his bare bosom, their beats felt by one another, and then they drifted off to sleep. One last time, he remembered again, this last time, and it will all come to an end. 

***

She felt complete, she woke up from her slumber. It had been a while she had had the feeling. And then it dawned upon her, Anuj was with her. She scrambled for her clothes, she rushed out of the room, and there he saw him sitting right in front of her. And in his hand, he held a knife.

“Anuj.......”

“Shhh, come, sit. Right here, right next to me, right in my arms.”

“What is this?”

“This, oh nothing. This is how I make sure I don’t hurt you and you still be mine.”

“You are scaring me. Stop this right now. Drop that thing, throw it off. Please, I beg of you.”

“I have not turned crazy Isha. This has been something that I had been planning for long. I won’t put you through all of it anymore. I wont hurt you anymore. This shall end, and it will end today. It ends right now.”

He stood up, facing her. He made her stand up. He held her hands, for one last time, he said to himself, and then, into those trembling, scared hands, he thrust the knife. And she gave him a look, and he knew he had to explain it to her. He had to make her put an end to things.

“Love is only a part of what I feel for you. I need to be loved back, but that is not the only thing I want from you. I want your body, I want your emotions, I want to be what you wish you were, for that will bring me closer to you. I want to be your Pandora’s box, the one that you fear opening. I wish to be the surge, the wave, that rides up all of it inside you.”

“And every time I touch you, I wish to feel the feeling of the very first warmth that you gave me, our very first kiss, the very first time we made love, I want it to be the same all the time, I wish and I want to make it last forever. And when I do that, I put you through things, that you were never a part of. You got entwined in the universe, of which you are not of. I give it life, and I put it to death, and I kill you breath by breath, and then, still I feel I have what they call love, for you. But, now, things have to end, and for one first and last time, I am putting things into your hands.”

“You know I wont do it. The hurt has become my blood and sweat now. Without you....”

“Without me, you wont exist, I know. Do it, hurt me, put me to the purgatory, and then unshackle yourself.”

She looked at him, flabbergasted. He knelt down in front of her. In his eyes, there were no fears, but a smile flashed rather. A smile, that said the tale of a story, beautiful fable coming to an end. And it was then she knew it. This had to happen. This has to happen. Only then he would live on, somewhere else to feast upon her, and she would be waiting to be preyed upon.

She gripped it tight, and then in a flash, she ran it through him, right into his heart, and then crimson emerged, and it engulfed everything around them, and the he fell, on to the floor. His eyes wide open, his lips still sported the smile. A smile of love, a smile that spoke of contentment. Anuj was a dead man now.

And she, she felt calmer. Been ages, since she had felt that. Somewhere, she knew things would come to an end, at this corner, this very same corner. But she never anticipated it, so quickly. All her life, he had submitted to him, and today he bent down in front of her. He had given her, what she had always wanted, the assurance, the promise that he would not touch anyone else. And she knew too, that it was an end for her too. She would never be complete anymore, she would never be inconsolable, she would never weep, she would never scar herself, and neither would he kiss those scars. The circle of life had come to a full circle. The wind blew her hair as she looked out. The sun was brighter than ever. All of it, now made sense to her, and she knew what she had to do now. And then she flew, she fell. And in those tiny frames of time, she sported a smile, the very smile that Anuj had. 

 

Bang!! She fell on to the floor below, and as she saw her blood oozing out, she knew she had done it. He never wanted anyone to touch her again. No one would touch her again. No one would know what they stood for or what they meant, but only them. Their worlds, they created, they lived in it, and when they knew it was the time, they brought down every brick from it. The promised land did exist, they had travelled to the neverland together, and she knew no one would ever believe that, for no one could see the world as they saw it. She knew no one would live their lives again, for you need to see it with their eyes, eyes that would never come to life again. The tale had now come to an end, not a head to start with, not a tail to end it at. People said they destroyed the gift, they knew they had lived a thousand lives together.

                                                                              THE END

The Call- Part Two

For the ones who are yet to read the first part, please go the the following link. I strongly recommend that you do that.



 http://bitch-bastard-better-period.blogspot.in/2012/03/call-part-one.html

Isha was never like this. She was made to mould that way. Or perhaps, she decided to get herself, all set the way she was in, right now. No one remembers the enchanting, mesmerizing young lass that she used to be back in her old days. The hallways of the schools that she ran through, still echoes of her voices, the moans of that small pretty girl, in her white shirt and blue skirt, racing up and down the halls. Her scent still lingers in all of those corridors of her college, once through which she used to walk.

She had long black long hair; they looked at their amazing best, when she was right out of her shower. She was fair. She was tall, much taller than an average Indian woman, and that gave her a point, right there. She always wore small earrings. She had a cut, right next to left eye. It applauded her eyes, when she wore that dark mascara of hers. Her eyelashes were long, and huge were her eye balls. She had brown eyes, that look straight right into your eyes. She always used that. She loved to do that. She called that her way of showing her affection. It alarmed others, for none could do it better than her. She had a wide smile, a full yet mocking smile, and if she ever smiled at someone, they felt content and they felt questioned. An apoplexy of its very own kind. Yes, that was the exact feeling that she used to carry around with herself. Undoubtedly she was beautiful, and she was clever and wise. She was the perfect material that a man could have asked for. And so was she asked out by many, save she was in search of someone else. Underneath all of it, she was a masochist. Then she met Anuj, and the viscous turn of events started. Something that burned her through, during its course of time, and consumed him in it, in the very raging love that both of them, were a part of. Utter brutal yet fragile episode of what two mortals can do to one another.

It was a perfectly choreographed coincidence. Two people who had nothing to do with a place, ended up being in each other’s proximity. Anuj was not a brand back then, and he had no money. He was travelling from one city to another, one culture to another, one life from another, searching for the perfection, searching for his muse, searching for his inspiration. He was hired at an antique gallery. He befriended quite a number of people there. James was one of them, who later, would become his man, his soul keeper, his only friend, his brother, his blood.

Anuj decided to stay back, and learn about the city and art, and that’s how Isha happened to him. She was popular, she loved art, and most importantly, because they were destined to! A couple of eye contacts, and quite a bit more of half smiles later, they decided to make the move. They sat there, right on the back, and conversed. A date was in the making. She spoke fluently, swiftly, about herself, about the things that she thought would interest him. She spoke, she spoke without stopping. He heard all of it. He knew she would quench him and drain him off. She knew she’ll be treated as a princess and pulled down the rag. She felt the urge of approval from him, cause he made her feel feminine in a very different way. The things on the other side were not different either. He stammered, he blacked out, he lost the words, and lost the grip on himself. Unnerving, he still looked at her, and tried to cope up with the lady that say beside him. Inside, that little heart of his was speeding, his hands were shivering, and as ruffled his mind was, so was he. And in one of those unforeseen moments, he pulled her hair, and bit her lips, and she scratched his face, and that was their idea of their first kiss. The onlookers stumbled, but they both spun into each other. In that blinding sunlight, it was only their skin that made sense to each other.

He could not bear her around him, and he loved the very fact. The toxin, that made him numb, so numb that he was experiencing all of the passions that he had always wanted to experience, an emotion that had no name, but definitely had an effect. People call it love, later he jotted down it somewhere, I call it verve, I call it living.

***

She had not eaten in a couple of days. She had cuts all over her, each and every one of them self inflicted. She was wearing an off white top, no part of which was covered in white. She had been crying. Curled up in that corner, the dark corner, behind those wraps of her curtainsshe was making a mess out of herself. A mess that she wanted to destroy, a mess that she wanted to be destroyed by others. There are times, when you lose the purpose of your life, and everything and anything gets filled up by vacuum and nothingness, she was being through the same, right now. Only, she was more determined that what she had lost was never to be attained back, or never she wanted it back. A sweet memory to cherish, a nightmare to get rid of, that’s what she thought of him. And hope, there was hope in which she wished that he won’t win her over, and a desire in which she wanted to be all his again.

Isha had locked herself up two days back. She opened the door in despair, and darted for her room. Her face was muddled; those tears had been falling down since ages and they had dried up ages ago. Ash saw this, she ran after Isha. This was not the first time, that she was seeing her friend in the mode. She had reasons to be worried. Past was not pleasant. Yet again, pasts are never pleasant.

“Isha, what happened little girl” Ash asked, trying to sound as convincing and consoling as possible.
“Say something, please”. Still no answer.
“You will speak now, or I will call the cops. And I wont call the cops on you, I will call the cops on him. ”

“No please, ” came in the fragile reply “Leave me alone, just for a bit. I beg of you.”

“What did he do now? What did he do?” Ash had lost her cool long back, the very moment when she saw Isha, walking through their main door in that fashion. This had happened in the past, and she was always sure that this would happen in the future too. But never did she think that there would be such damages, such destruction. She never knew man’s hold over a woman could be this strong. She never knew the same hold would lead a woman to shed all of herself, for the sake of her man. She never knew that life could be this hard. The only thing that she was always sure of was that this was not going to have an end. And she was very sure about the fact, when she had met Anuj for the first time. He didn’t mind giving himself away, because it was not that often that people figured him off, that easily. Who doesn’t like to lose? The necessary amendment, he used to consider it.

*** 

“You are not here. Stop wandering” Isha said. She had her head on his hairy chest. She pleasured from getting to keep her head, right next to his heart. He could never get over the excruciating feeling that she used to gift him, every time that they met. His heart still raced, when he caught the glimpse of her, anywhere in the outside world.

“I don’t know. I have been having change of sentiments. I am no longer sure” he replied, looking at the ceiling. The paint on them had fallen off in the last monsoon!

“Sure about?”

“Us, life, career, idols, sculptures, my hands, my mind, my heart and the ways that it chooses. It’s strange, and it’s agitating. I can’t figure out anything about myself, and it afflicts me”

“Hey baby, don’t say all of it. Stop pondering too much about all of it. I know things have been weird, but there’s a bright road ahead. I am sure, I have been with you. I have felt you, I have slept with you. I know what’s my man made of, and one thing, for sure, is that he’s not a failure.”

“Why do you get too gentle on me Isha?”

“Because, my man here needs to be treated that way” she winced

“And what if he turns out to be someone different, not the one that you thought he would be. A different person! ”

“He is yet to be the person”

“What”

“Nothing, I was just mumbling”

“What the fucking hell did you just say”

“You are over riding yourself, as always. You are pushing your limits” she said

“Don’t force me to, because whenever I do that, you buckle, you just do that. Blaming me for all that has happened to you, and the sacrifices that you have made for my sake.”

“Please Anuj, don’t start the fight. I plead. You do this to me every time. Once, just for once, I wish you don’t leave this place in anger.”

“Dare you throw all of that emotional shit at me. I am better than that, and you bloody well keep away from it. You are scared, cause I punch it in your face, all those things, that you are scared of hearing, all of those things that you are worried to talk about; those skeletons that you have locked up in your closet. I go reckless on you, and you can’t bear that, you cannot take that, and then you go pleading on your knees.”

“Anuj........”

“And now you would start all blabbering about the things that you have did for me, and the things that you plan on doing. Why did you do them ha, because you wanted to do them. None asked you to. It was all of your selfishness, and don’t you fucking charge me with that.”

“What you saying has nothing......”

“it has everything to do with what you have been doing to me since the day that we met. I am out of this place.”

“Yeah, and do what, sleep with those numerous bitches of yours. You are one cold blooded bastard. All of us are just mere puppets for you. You play with them, and you throw them, you leave them, to rot somewhere in the darkness of the past and the realizations of the guilt. You are inhuman in each and every single way known to mankind. You are cannibalized devil, soulless moron. ” she said all of it, in phrases, broken words, sentences, grasping for air, every time that she spoke.

He did not respond. He did not hit back at her. He put on his clothes and started to leave. Isha fell at his feet, and got hold of them, begging him, abjuring him to stay back. He kicked her, but she won’t let go. He dragged her naked body, all through the house. Her thighs got scratched. At the door, he kicked her again with all of his might, and closed the door on her face. She was lying there on the floor, impaired, totally, not knowing what had just happened. She never knew what had hit her. This had occurred in the past. She had gotten hold of this very feeling, precisely this feeling, many a times.

***  

The moment the fresh air filled in his lungs, he felt more happier than before. He was successful in what he had planned. He had done that in the past, and he had done it even now, and still had gotten away with it. He had to do it, and he had well justified reasons for himself, to do that. She was right. He would go to different woman now. He would brutally ravish and relish them, but that was his endowment to her, in the first place. After every crossroad, he knew he would come and stop at her. Devotion, trust, all of it meant nothing to him. All that mattered to him, was the overpowering feeling, that brought him back to her, every time, no matter what happened. The trembling sensations that he had, again and again, each time he saw her, after their brutal separation. He did it all for those moments of unexplainable pleasure; he did it for all those untraceable sensations that his body felt, every time he touched her, after touching other women.

***

(Present Night)

Sitting in that dark alley, he was trying to figure out what his next move should be. Shall I end it, or play more. It was something too dear for him to give up, but on the other side, he knew she had already been through too much of it, and the idea that he had put her through all of the pain had started to take a toll on every cause of his existence. He was required to put an end to this. The ferociousness was too much for her to handle. And it was amidst all of these feelings; he sensed that he could do it one more time, one last time. Once more, he wanted to feel the divine serenity, the zest that Isha had in store for him. And he knew, more than him, she wanted him to be back. And the photographer chick was just another medium. He had texted Isha the very moment Swarna had recognized him. Isha went haywire. Ash called James, James called Anuj, and Anuj made fun of everyone and everything else. While leaving with Swarna, Anuj made a promise in his mind, to Isha. It said.

One time, one last time baby. And then I’ll make everything alright.  

................................................................................................................................. to be concluded

The Call- Part one

The hall was filled. People, all around, clattering each other’s thoughts, diving into each other’s minds, all of them there, for one sole and single purpose. For Art, for the artist; people in a fraught filled effort, of getting hold of those masterpieces. 

“The next sculpture to be auctioned is ‘The Golden One’. Can we get the sculpture on the stage please?” The auctioneer said is a plain, yet hard tone. He was not someone interested in art. He liked milk and bread. Milk and bread did not come for free, they cost. The work took care of those costs. 

“They say, this is the best work Anuj has ever put up. All of his blood and soul and mind and might, in those seven sculptures.”Someone in the crowd grasped.

One of the most awaited exhibition cum auction of the year was happening, and the most extraordinary and astonishing fact was that the artist could not be seen anywhere. Anuj Saxena was a missing man. Then again, it was not something new. 

“Where is he anyway?” another voice in the crowd asked to the person, sitting right next to him, though he had no idea to whom he was talking, or what the person did. It was considered to be elegant and cultured, to have such talks, save, it made them feel good and it made them feel that other’s thought of them as good. So much for the sake of others!

“No one really knows where he is. As if he cares a fuck about all of these actions. The word is, he never deals with them. It’s all Manager Management.” He replied.

“What?”

“His manager. He takes care of it. He arranges all of it. Anuj never shows up. As a matter of fact, I guess the world has forgotten how he looks like.” Came the plain reply.

“Six lacs, sixty thousand, one. Six lacs, sixty thousand two. Six lacs, sixty thousand, three.
Sold, to the young man, right there.” Amidst everything, the auction continued.

Outside the hall, somewhere in the alley, someone lighted a cigarette.

***

The city had been drenched with the rains. Water droplets, like the ones that cling on to the metal sheets and bars were dripping down, one by one, in their own synchronous motions. There were patches on the road, of petrol, of diesel, which gleamed, occasionally when a vehicle passed by, and light fell on it. Amongst all of it was a figure, sitting in between those puddles of water. The clothes were all soaked in water and sweat. He had long hair, of black colour, the perfect shade. His shirt and jeans, both, had patches all over it, of mud, of grease and of blood. The sources, yet unknown! 

He leaned backwards, on one of his hands, holding the cigarette in the other. Each time, the wind blew, his hair would blend into its motion, at times covering, at times revealing his face. Every time he took the nicotine in, for that spilt second his eyes sparked red. Each time, he let out the smoke, he would look upwards, chasing those tiny goblets of smokes, until they disappeared like everything, into the darkness of the night, away from the striking lights of the street lamps. 

People who knew him were anything but comfortable when he was around or when talking about him. A little more than unpredictable and a few steps higher than insane, people had put him onto the list of people, who they thought were weird. Growing up, all that he did was wandering and going to random places, most of the times without notice, returning back, after a week or so, every time. He attended, school, just for the sake of learning drawing and English. Everything else for him, well, he never cared those existed, in the first place. He profoundly loathed them. No wonder, he was thrown out. A good number of odd jobs and a little more than a decade later, he was, today, the country’s one of the most exquisite sculptor.  

He never used all of the money that he earned. Some he gave in charity, other’s he burned down the drain; an act, he considered the closest to his heart, an operation that was most sacred to him, out of all . He smoked, he doped, he slept, he ate, he worked, that’s what the world’s knowledge is about him, or rather, what he made the world believe. The reality, however, had one more element added to his otherwise simple living, chaos. Chaos around him, in his head, in his heart, and in his body.

***

She was just out of the hall, disappointed. She had expected to get a glance of him, at least here. After all, it was one of the most important days of his life. He was getting back at the world, with all of his might and force, who once told him that he was nothing but a mere debacle, who, due to unforeseen circumstances and the worst possible choice of events, had shot to fame. Retribution day it was, or at least, that was what the papers had portrayed of the event.

‘Anuj Saxena, ascends today? A call that cannot yet be made!’ one of the papers had read. 

Why she was here, had nothing to do, neither with the art, nor with his success. All that she wanted was his glimpse, a small little slant of his, so that she could capture it. Not in her heart, not for the rest of her lives, but into her equipment. Anuj Saxena had not made a public appearance in years, and it would have been lot more than a promotion and a salary hike, in case she would have been able to pull it off. It would have offered her, her own chance at redemption and retribution. She wished for it, only if the wishes came true. 

She walked out, on to the main road, a car screeched past her, only to bring her back to the dark night, that it was. She was not sad, rather disappointed, or more than that, in despair. By hook or by crook, she had always gotten hold of what she wanted; save, the case was not the same this time. She took, out her lighter, and started searching for a cigarette. Her nails were long, and so were her arms. They were tender, and so were her shoulders, visible to the naked eyes, because she was dressed that way that day. Every time the wind blew, she would run her lands, all over each other, from shoulders till her wrists, in an attempt to warm them up, moving swiftly over the goose bump feeling, that she was having. Rather, the air itself was playing a game tonight. Her scent was so impending, so ineludible, that even the air hit her, again and again, just so as to get the feminine scent of her. Long legs, white thighs, full breasts, irresistible pink lips, wavy and curly hair. Her physical attributes had helped her a lot in her career so far, to get into places where no one else could, but then, this was different; here was failure and disappointment. 

She had to smoke, smoke desperately, but she had none left. She walked, walked fast, and almost walked into a street sign. She sighed! Why was she not getting any sighs? Then somewhere in the silence of the alley, she saw someone smoking. Her first reaction was to get herself home, as soon as possible, but then what nicotine has to offer, overpowers every feeling, even the ones of getting ravished. She walked into the alley, stood besides the man, who she thought was nothing more than a street side musician.

“I could use a smoke” she declared.

“I could share one” came the reply. He wasn’t even looking at her.

She sat next to him, on the pavement. Her dress got wet, but she could care less. He took out a cigarette and passed it on to her. She lighted it. At the same moment, he looked at her. The next moment, the cigarette fell off, from her mouth, onto her thighs. A burn mark, left behind.

***

“Are you.....”

“Yes, I am. The conversation ends here.” Anuj said.

She pouted. Swarna had never been treated like this, by anyone. She was used to getting all of the attention, that never in her life, she had been devoid of any male presence in her life. And here, the tables had turned completely, nothing in her favour, everything against her. She had almost put a tombstone on the grave of her desire to her a picture of him, after the first interaction that she had with him. He made her feel uncomfortable. Not a commonplace at all, she thought.

“I am Swarna. I am a photographer.”

“You click me and put me up in the papers, and I swear, the city monument would wake up to a hanging corpse the next morning. Try me.”

“Why are you so rude?” she darted back at him

“Why do you want to have a conversation!” he puzzled her more

“That’s what people do, when they are together.” She tried to sound convincing

“How old are you?”

“Twenty five.”

“That’s the most convincing sentence that you have learned in the twenty five years of your life?”

“I had no wisdom endowed upon myself, you see. I learned things the manual way” she chocked

He sensed, her was being way too rude. He did not know why he was doing that though. That’s how he was. When human emotions make the individual talk, nothing stands in its way, nothing.

“I didn’t mean to, though. I was thinking something else” he tried consoling her. He put his arm around her.

“It’s okay. You had no reason to be rude to me. I knew it was something else.”

“So what do you do?”

“I click Mr. Saxena, I click.”

“Anuj will be good. Any work in your camera?”

“Only if you would show some interest.” She giggled. Her eyes, already smudged with kohl, sparkled for the first time, in the evening.

Together, they went through her pictures. Their hands rubbed against each other at times, and her hair flew into his face. He touched her fingers, and she felt his hand. When she turned, her elbows crashed into those strong muscles of his torso. When he moved, his upper arm, rubbed against the side of her body, at times touching her breasts and bare arm. Their eyes never met, but their bodies spoke. She almost knew where this whole thing was headed to. He, however, was into her work.

“What time is it?” he inquired

“A little past ten.”

“You should go. It’s late. ” he said, as plainly as he could

“You would not want to come over for a coffee? You would not want to drop me off?” she seemed surprised. This was not how, she thought things will end.

“Why? What’s the need?” he was puzzled now. “Do you want me to come? Coffee, no. I am yet to have my dinner. Besides, I am waiting for someone, rather something.”

“I can fix something up if you want.”

“I thought I asked you to leave. If you want, I can get you a cab. The smoke’s got extinguished long back. It is time that you get going.” He was almost on the verge of getting angry.

Swarna, on the other hand, was surprised, confused, and disappointed again. For a moment, she thought this was a new beginning out of nowhere, and then, as quickly as it came, it was snatched away from her. Even before she could feel the pulse of things, even before she could grasp, the feeling was murdered, and the emotion was butchered.

Just then, his phone rang.

“Anuj, where are you?” the person individual inquired.

“A place where I belong.” He was calm in his reply. As if, he was very much waiting for the phone call.

 “What happened?” he added.

“Ash had called.” Came the reply. “It’s about Isha. What have you done to her man? What?”

“I have not seen her in days.”

“That explains a lot.”

“What do you want? I am here, in middle of something.”

“Apparently, Ash wants to know where you are. She wants you to go and visit Isha.”

“Not tonight James. It is a busy day at work, you see. You arranged it for all, you should know.” He cunningly said, eying the girl who was almost about to leave. He whistled. She looked back. He motioned her to stay back.

“Nothing. I am just going to have a little fun tonight. Tell Ash that I am getting laid, and she can say whatever she wants to, to Isha. As of now, that is all, that I can say.”

He hung up as soon as he said that. James was confused. More than a manager, he was Anuj’s friend, someone who knew him since childhood. He did not know why he was doing it, but he knew there was some purpose. He dialled Ash’s number.

 “What did the asshole say?” she growled

“You want to talk, or want me to hang up on you?” he darted back, with all the fury.

“What did your FRIEND say?” she tried to sound calm

“He will be staying at someone’s place tonight. He has got the company of an old friend. That’s what he said.”

“Bloody motherfucking bastard. He will pay for whatever he is doing to that poor girl. He will”

“What are you talking about?” he tried to act, as if he did not know what was going on.

“Don’t you dare act naive James, don’t you. Not now, not right fucking now. I know he is fucking somebody tonight.  And yeah, he has to pay for all of these.”

“If he has to, he will. You do not have to worry about it.”

“Tell me James. Why is he doing this to her, why?”

James had hung up, already. He had another question in his mind.
Why is he doing this to himself? Why?



.................................................................................................... to be continued

The root of 'em all!

Tick tick tock. Tick tick tock. Tick tick tock.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh. Goddddddddddd!!!!!”

“What happened baby? What happened?” She asked him, holding his sweaty temple close to her bosom, caressing his back. He was shivering, he was shivering badly. He was almost on the verge of breaking down. His hands were scrambling for a grip around her back, but they kept on falling. They just could not be stable. They had become weak, they screamed, they urged for a little bit of power, just so as to make sure they could put themselves around her soft, skinny soft shoulders. A goldfish out in open would have been much, much more calmer.

“It’s the same nightmare, Latika. The same fucking one. The wooden bench, it creaked even today. The old house, the red door, the church, the valley, the beach, the wind, you, me! Every single thing. Same as before. Each small detail, as large as it can get.” Raghav was short of air, his breath out of his control, each time as he spoke. It seemed that he needed air bags, lots of them. Each time he would fill his chest with air, tons of it, but it would all come out in seconds. He was devastated, it was nowhere near morning. Latika put him back to sleep. It was nothing new for her. It was nothing new for him. Nightmares come and go, the same ones usually don’t come back though. For Raghav, it was a video being played again and again. The repeat mode, again, and again and again, haunting him. Was it a message being delivered, or it was just a simple coincidence. The only moment that we care is when it shows up.

***

A brand new morning. Raghav and Latika lay amongst the heap of bed sheets and quilts and sweat, in each other’s arms. Last night was another one of their ecstatic love making nights. They kissed, they bit, their arms clutched each other’s body while their legs crawled on each other. He was in her, and she invited him in, each single time, with more passion every time. They were intense, the lust took over, and their love spoke of in actions and emotions, once more, for one more night, like the many that had gone by, like the last night, and like the many nights that are yet to come.

“Why do you smoke so much? How many times do I have to tell you”, Latika said, looking at Raghav, who stood at the window, letting out smoke globes, one after the other, after the other. Her eyes were the typical, totally Indian, and her eye lashes! Probably they are the biggest and the most beautiful of its kind.

“I can stop, only if you promise to start round two, right now, right here” he said, wincing at her. He moved towards her. They kissed, passionately. Their kisses were more intense and passionate and lustful than the love making sessions of other couples. Such was their love, such was their attachment and such was the addictiveness that they had for each other. In each other’s presence, they felt powerful and powerless at the same time. She was his kryptonite, and with him, she wanted to let go of everything that she was and she had, except her feminine self.

And then Raghav was again at the window, in the world of drags and puffs, and nicotine.

“You are taking that job right?” inquired Latika.

“No, I am not” he replied, calm, as always.

“We need money, Raghav, we need it”

“You need money, not me.”

“And you borrow it from me.”

“Borrowing would have been a fair term, only if it was used by a fair soul. Not by someone, who sells her soul.”

“You, and your ideals, and your stubbornness. It’s not going to take you anywhere”, she darted back at him.

“I thought having you was the ultimate prize, and I needed nothing more” he giggled. In a subtle way, he mocked at her.

“What in the world, do you think  you are, the idealist? Why don’t you take the fucking job? You think you are the first man in the world, to stand up for the things that he believes in?” she was red, and furious, and it was as obvious as the sun, shinning over their head. And he, was finding her cute.

“I don’t want to take the fucking job, because it would kill me to work for them. It would kill me if they will sabotage my work. It will kill me if they change even a single fucking syllable from my work. It will kill me so bad, that all that I would want to do is to take an axe and butcher every single piece of meat in their body. I am the fucking writer, they are not. It would kill me, if someone who does not have a fucking idea about the whole thing, passes a judgement about the shit that I write, and changes it the way that they want. It would fucking kill me! Is it that difficult to understand? Is it that fucking difficult to understand?” he had become an epitome of anger now. All of the hatred, and the loathing that he had for the world outside was coming out now, all at once . For Raghav, it was always like nothing or everything. Love, anger, hatred, humour, sex, lust, fights, work, art, passion, everything had to be at their topmost level, or else, they should cease to exist. That’s how things worked for him. That’s how things should work for the world, he had always thought. Half a mile stuck in the middle was not going to help anyone.

“But baby, its good money. You need to survive. Money is important. For us, for everyone. At some point or the other, you have to become like those millions of people breathing on this earth. You, like them, would have to compromise, if not now, later. Do it now! Now is the good time.”

“Let me ask you one thing Latika. Why did you fall in love with me? Why do you love me still?”

“Bullshit!”

“Answer me love, answer me? Why?” Almost on the verge of screaming

“Because you are you. Is that fair enough?”

“More than what I had asked for! If you loved me for what I am, why do you want me to change, now?”

“Talking to you is useless. You have a lot to offer to this world. And if you are planning on wasting all of it, your works, your words, and your thoughts, on these stupid ideals of yours, then you are going to regret everything.”

“Latika, I know you love me, and you care for me, and you want me to have all of the fame that you think  I deserve, but I don’t want it to come this way. My works, my words, and my thoughts are all part of my ideals. Only I and I only can understand that, they cannot. Not even a single bit of it. So if they want me, they have to keep me, as I would like myself to be kept.”

“You are a bastard, and I still love you. I need to leave. This room has at least one working professional. “Sarcasm intended, straight at you, in your face.”

“How much time do we have before that?”

“30 minutes”

“Well Paulo Coelho says all that we need is 11 minutes. Let’s make it quick then” he threw his cigarette, jumped into the bed, she jumped onto him. They made love. As passionately as ever!

***

“I understand. It’s okay. Something that you love, will come up soon” Sana said, running her hands through Raghav’s hair. Her fingers were soft, they were fragile. Every time she ran them through his scalp, he shrugged, the feeling made him comfortable and loved, in ways that others would never understand or comprehend.

“Yeah, I know something will come up, and that too soon. I can feel it, this is my year. The year, when it all shall change, and I shall get my share of the meat.” He moved closer to her, on the bed, and pulled her closer.

“Is this the case with all of you artists? Sleeping around? Banging random ladies? All that you need is a holy hole, right? And you know what the worst part is? I can’t ever say no to you, ever, even though I know you love her.”

“First of all, it is not about getting laid or something. You and I, both know where my count would have reached, in case I was looking for some bed room, court room or any other room kind of action, whatsoever. The point is that I am not.” He tried to explain to her.

“Then what, ha? Then what? What do you call all of this? You love her, and you make lover to her. You come here later, and make love to me. And then when I ask you about all of it, you say you love me too. What in the world is wrong with you?” she furiously questioned him

“No, I love you.”

“And her? You might probably love her too, right?” Interrogation continuing.

“Yes, I love her too.” He answered plainly

“Raghav, every time you want to see me, you walk into this house, you pick me up, and drop me on this bed, and we make love. That’s the part which is true, and something that makes me happy. But the part where you say you love Latika and me, both, that’s something that I’ll never believe in, something that’s not at all considerable. Either of us, it has to be.”

“Why are you doing this to me?  Love is what this whole world believes in. Love is what all of us urge for. Love is what’s missing from the world, and that is killing the world. You, on the other hand, are getting all of it from me. I love you, with all my heart, with every inch of skin on my body, with my arms, legs, body, soul, hair, nails, and everything, as weird as it may seem. Why do you doubt that? Why kill with complexity, when simplicity already prevails.”

“You either call me your whore, or call her your slut. But either ways, you have to make a decision, someday, sometime. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. Someday you’ll have to answer the questions.”

“I am answerable to what?”

“To playing with both of our lives. And the sad part is that, she still doesn’t know.”

“I said this to you, cause I expected you to understand. But you, you have turned into the ways of all the slimy pricks that live around me.”

He got out from the bed, fetched his clothes, lighted a cigarette, and barged out of the room. She was still there in bed, in dilemma, of whether she should be sad for chocking her love with her own hands, or congratulating herself for facing her demons.

Like always, she was at the receiving end.

***

“Why did you have to tell it to her in the first place?” Zeus screamed at Raghav. They have been friends since long, probably the only one that Raghav had. Dealing with Raghav in all of his fame and fury, at all the times, was not an easy task to do. And to be there with him, during all of the times that Raghav would break down, was indeed a task! TASK. They were not friends. Probably English was at loss of words, to describe what they had.

Any human being, would get astonished, when he would hear the tale of friendship that Raghav and Zeus shared. Zeus fell in love with Sofia, they broke up. Raghav fell in love with Sofia, later on, and they broke up too. Zeus and Raghav fell in friendship with each other, meanwhile, and they never broke up. It would probably have been the first incident in the world, where a girl was responsible for two guys coming together, rather than fighting it out, till their last breath, for her.

What these two guys shared was beyond limitations. Probably, because of the fact that Zeus tried to comprehend all of the things that Raghav used to throw at his brains. And as the time passed, it turned out that Raghav would only open himself to Zeus, because with him, he did not have the worry of being judged, and most importantly, he knew that he would not have to worry about losing him. He knew that he had the assurance that he would not have to cry because of the vacuum created by Zeus’s absence, ever!

“Come back to your senses again. And please, stop smoking. It’s going to kill you soon.” Zeus screamed, looking at Raghav, who had gone silent, since his arrival. All that he did in the past half an hour was to look outside and smoke a cigarette, one after other after other.

“What, I am sorry. I don’t know. I just thought that she would understand. She does not. And now I have the fear of losing her.”

“No one does mate. No one does.” Zeus tried to console him.

“Yeah, no one fucking does. Seriously, and deep down, it kills me, to know that the message is misread, in all of the unexpected, unwanted and undesired ways.” He threw the bud out of the window, and started scanning the house for more.

“There are no more. Now you do not smoke. Now you sit down, talk it out, and get it out of your system.” Zeus tried to sound smart. Inside he wished Raghav would not recoil back.

“Why does the world say that we can love only one person? Who decides the criteria? Who fucking does? We human beings, when we believe in something for once, we are so stubborn, it is too  embarrassing for us to get over with those pre written facts and grasp the new commandments.”

“To be frank, even I never understood this concept of yours. How can you love two girls at the same time? I really don’t get that. What in the world are you? The choice needs to be made. Latika or Sana. Your call, you decide.” His tone, as if he was making a statement. Inside, still worried about Raghav going wayward

“Why do I need to make a choice? I don’t feel like making it. I know I love Latika, and I know I love Sana too, and that too whole heartedly, without any discrimination. What I feel for one of them, is exactly similar to what I feel for the other. Trust me or do not trust me, the fact stands as a fact, and will stand as a fact, for what I am doing and for what I am believing in.” He said in quick words, quenching for air, at times. He ended up almost blabbering.

“But the problem.......” Zeus was stopped midway by Raghav. This time, angrier than ever

“The problem is not with me loving both of them. The problem is that the world, the freaking society that we live in thinks that it is wrong. It is because, the whole idea has been spoon feed to us, since ever and forever, that we find it difficult to accept the true things at times. The idea is to spread love, not to block it. The idea is to make as many as people around you feel special, not to degrade the opportunity. The idea is to have all those people who make you happy and make you feel loved in your life, not to choose amongst them. The idea is to do as you wish and like and not to listen to some unwritten unseen rules. The idea is to love, simply love, and nothing else.” He was almost on the verge of breaking down. Zeus went beside him, and put his arm around Raghav.

“The idea, this idea is yours mate. And because it is yours, don’t expect others to take to it, right away. There is a system in place, and you are spitting right in its fact.”

“I shall rather whack off in its face. That will calm me down.”

“Okay, okay. Whatever makes you happy. What are you planning to do now?”

“Go home. I am taking Latika out for dinner today.”

“Ah, good luck. Any plans of exposing yourself to her?” Zeus chuckled.

“Are you fucking mad. Already I am facing the consequences of telling it to one of them. I can’t take another shit load of emotional drama. Plus, Latika is more than fragile, I wonder, let aside understanding me, she would even be able to take it.”

“And Sana?”

“I shall deal with her later on”

“Tell me one thing, what in the world made you feel that Sana would understand. You, the artist friend of mine, what stupid thing did this writer think of, when he decided that Sana would understand.”

“Well, she loves animals, and she says that she knows their ways, and understands their acts” he said.

“So” Zeus still puzzled.

“So, animals roam around with random ones. They fuck around with random beings. They do not have a monogamy or a polygamy system. All of them, live together happily.” Raghav said, feeling stupid for what he had thought and why he had acted on it.

“You, my friend, do indeed have a long way to go, as far as love and as far as getting fucked up is concerned. Seriously, animals and humans, you find them similar?”

“At least both of them grow and live. And I know it is dumb. I was just making it up. Go fuck yourself. Ha ha ha ha ha! ”

“Are you......”

“I need to leave now. My date’s waiting”, he said, checking his cell phone.

Raghav darted out of the house, completing his sentence.

Zeus, on the other hand was worried. No one could control Raghav, not even he himself.

He went where the roads took him and where his mind guided him, and Zeus, was not have a good feeling about this whole scenario that was being built up. But was there any point in worrying?

He took out the pack of smokes that he had hid, and lighted a cigarette. Smokes were good. They, unlike humans, would always make you feel good at least.