Wrapping up 2011

The clock’s ticking past 3:52 am and the calendar reads the date 29 Dec 2011 and the very fact that there are just two days left for the New Year to commence makes me feel something. I am charmed, happy, looking at the things that I have been through in this one year. The New Year morning was anything but happening and I still remember waking up with the Mechanics of Solids text book. Clueless, in all of its literal meaning, completely, wondering why am I even around. As a matter of fact I was rather living inside a Collage of Chaos, designed by who-knows-who! But the fact remained the same. I was not content, or most importantly happy. But then as they say, good things come, does not matter if the arrival is pretty late, but then, when they come, expect truckloads! Truestory! Experienced

Cut copy paste. June 21, 2011. Well, that date represents my birthday, and for the first time in 19 years, I had friends at my place at the stroke of midnight, and let me tell you, writing down overwhelming a hundred times would not reach anywhere near what I had felt on the very day for I remember spending most of my school days in solitude. When I say friends, I am talking about two of the few assholes, dickheads, mates, chums, Chutiyas or whatever you may like to call them, who matter the most to me. Thank you for dropping by, thank you for giving a kick start to the better half of my year and yeah- Shalin Sitwala and Hardik Desai.

It sometimes amazes me how two best friends turn into the mightiest foes, all because of a girl, save what happened to me was completely opposite. If not for her, I would not have had you in my life. Yes, Bobby (you can fuck me for making this public). And after that we have been on a roll baby. The innumerable times we chatted over the smokes, of ‘the girl’, of ‘the things’ and all of the bullshits. Also, if not for you, I would not have been the same. - Fenil Shah

First of the fucking all, you introduced me to Entourage, you changed my world. Rest everything is aside! And you know what, it may sound stupid, at least for a few, but then I actually see the four of us, somewhere inside it. Let’s not get into the details! Thank you for clicking all those ‘profile pictures’ of mine and also for your tips regarding you-know-what.
PS: I expect you to thank me, for all of the things that you carried out at my place. Period! – Dhwanil Mukhtiyar.

As far as you are concerned, it was all about the Divya Bhaskar thing and the stories regarding how you became the infamous Rajni of our Cult. And, why not! No one deserves the title more than you. For your long legs and the long list of movies that you passed on to me, I thank you- Jay Parikh.

She came into my life and filled it with love. The irony is, she was not my girl friend. They say relationships over facebook are fake, I say you do not know what relationships are. Always there to charm me up during my mood swings, to say I love you more for more than 100 times a day, and to sing for me and for making all those funny faces. Yes, a little sister who resides in a far away land. You mean a lot to me, and I do love you, a lot. – Nasra

No matter how big your so called group may be, you would always have one friend, who would be from a whole different sphere, completely. You were always there for me, when I needed you. Literally a single phone call away. ‘Amul, in 5’ and you would be there. The things I have told you, the things we have shared, and all the wonderful times we had, along with the ice creams of course.- Miti Desai

Well, if there is something that makes my college life interesting, then it has to be my friends! The birthdays, the Alcohol and our ever beloved Anda Rice. Irrespective of the fact whether we meet outside the college gates, brushing aside the arguments of how much I eat and how much less I pay, you people at least make my life inside bearable, in literal sense. – Binaz, Mehul, Tanvi, Steve, Varsha, Navneet, Shanky and all others.

You came back to our household, after already being through much, and let me tell you, that was it! You have been much, much better for what I was expecting from an elder sister. And I take this opportunity to say, to mention that you indeed mean a lot to me. Yes, I have been a utter bastard, nothing less than an asshole to you at times, but then that’s what I am, and I guess probably you have started getting the hold me lately. Yes you can laugh your ass of when you read this in the morning and I would be fast asleep in the very next room.  Love- Revathy. 

Our car rides and the late evening sneak outs, the suicide talks and the the philosophical advices! Oh, yeah and also for waiting for a good song to be played on the radio, with me. And yeah, you have to teach me driving. And yeah, I am sorry! :P. Wasn't intentional though. Plus, the Mexican dish still remains. You you darling. - Tanvi Thakkar.

Out of all the girls I have been with, you were the one who moved me the most. And more than love, it was admiration and affection, and the beauty of the bond that we shared. Though we do not talk much now, but then you had to feature in here and you know why. For brining the change in me- Zoya Singh

For someone like me, who run out of friends very easily, getting a completely new, random person added to my life was nothing less than a miracle. An amazing fact! Though we are friends for like what, 2 months now, both of us, or at least I know, how good and great the bond is. Let it remain the same, until the end.- Krishna

Acchan and Amma. Yes we have had our on differences, but we have been on the same side too. I may be a disaster as a son, but then, I know, things are getting better and they would be at their best, soon. Though you do not know what more than half of my life is all about, you have always caressed me! Yes, I am blunt, but then you have been at the wrong end too. Love you both. You are the reason for my existence!

Amaan, for always appreciating my work and Nidhi, for being the support system that you are. It was you, to whom I turned, the last time I was fucked up to the core. And Amaan, all those talks, both meaningful and senseless! I seriously LOL at them, at times.

Last but not the least, all of you, who encouraged me to get back to writing. Especially the first four guys! If not for you, I would still have been living amidst of frustration, thinking of things and not knowing what to do about it! Be there always. Love me!

And as I said, the year has been special! No, rather divine.

PS: Yes, as far as the memories go, I have left out lot many things, not purposely though. You all know how senti I get ,right? And yeah, Sohni Rao, I completely forgot you. Sorry!
Good bye the year 2011.

The unanswered question

Love! I wonder at times, why is that the each and every moment of our life that has gone past, that will come and even the ones in which we are living are, in some or the other way, entwined around this enchanting feeling, and even why not. As The Beatles used to preach, “All you need is love.” Isn’t that true? Most of the people feel lonely, or feel bad about themselves, because they do not have any one around them, who would tell them how amazing they are, how special they are and how much their existence means to them. Solitude can be ecstatic only if you urge for it. Otherwise, it is just like standing in the middle of the road, with cars screeching past you, and all that you have to do is keep starring at the horizon, the far horizon, with a hope inside that someone would come looking for you, from that vast mass that lay ahead. To love you, to embrace you, arms in which you could melt, the bare shoulders on which you could cry, the mere touch that would ignite the lost wish inside you to live your life again. Such is the power that it holds, such is the beauty contained in it.



There was a boy, like you, like me, any random face from the crowd and sadly or gladly he too had to commit the sin. The sin of falling in love, the forbidden fruit as they would have said. And who would not have fallen for her too. She was the epitome of beauty. The first time they met, he could not take his eyes off her, even for a single microsecond, LITERALLY. There was something about her that kept him spellbound. Each time she ran her palms through her hair, his insides wished if she would do it again. Again so that he could see her fair tender hands against her black hair. An effortless effort it was. Enthralling beauty. This female specimen was fragile and every time he saw her walk, he felt as if she’s longing for a helping hand. He wanted to be that helping hand. She was in pain, not physically but emotionally. She had been through her deal of phases, and the sad part was that it was not the end. It would be time, until the sun shines upon her again and this very thought killed him from within. It was something, about which he could not do anything, but to watch her live through it and the very thought itself disturbed him very much. Cause he had always been taught that if only one could make the sorrows of their beloved fly away, they had the right to love them and be loved back.



But then again, he sees her playing with her hair, as she talked. Completely unaware of what treat she was to him, her actions, she continued. The occasional drama that she did, the looks that she gave him, the honest attempts of hers to laugh at the senseless jokes that he made, in an attempt to prove that he was not a bore, which in this case, he totally was. Now and then, the sun rays would fall on her face and she could see her ear rings shining against it, as if they were seeking his attention. But he was determined and the gaze still remained on her. All that he wanted to do was to hold her in his arms, to let his heart beats speak of what he felt for her, to let the strength of his hold decide how much he wanted her to be there. The irony was he did not know, yet, if she felt the same.
A millions times the question had already gone past him, if he should take the chance, if he should tell her about the little dream that he nurtures, and then again, as with everyone, he too was scared. A NO would always be disheartening, but what he feared was isolation. He had been alone in the past, and he did not want a repetition in the future. What he wanted was her.



With all the courage and with all his might, he took her hand in his. There was a tiny mole on her forearm. So, so perfect that anywhere else it would not have been this perfect. She looked at him, and he already had his eyes fixed upon her. For a moment he forgot everything, for beautiful eye lashes she had. Each time her eyes flickered, each time her eyes closed, he wanted to fly away with her so that when her eyes opened, they would have been in a fairy tale land, where everything and everyone would be happy. Some dreams can never come true! Trapping all the air that his lungs can, he finally confesses. The emotions flowing out like a brimming river. All that he had dreamed of saying to her, all that he had wanted to express, his wish, the desire in him to have her as his. And then there was silence that would have even put death to shame. The silence which was unbearable! The answer had not yet come.

Roads

Roads
At it’s end, the end of it,
                I saw something, did I see?
Lost I thought, I was.
                But the lights led me through all those roads.

Roads, roads, roads and roads
                You and Me we all do belong,
Some do cheat, some play fair,
                But once they are done, they seldom care.

Urge I felt, while I walked down,
                To look right back, to dash back,
To know why I took the path I choose
                Though I knew what I was finding though

Was it my greed?, was it my fight,?
But then everybody has their own fight
But on my part I had enough
                Greed it was, I knew certain.





Ecstatic, I too wanted to feel,
                Had been enough and done and through
Down the hill…
There wasn’t a light, It wasn’t a source
Perhaps , No indeed it was me.

Loner I stand, Loner I stood
                In this path, or ever in my life.
Loner I know I will always stand
                No one to heed, None to look about.

I choose what I had, hadn’t I, ? Did I?
Coming back again to the same cross roads.
Again I start Looking at the far end,
                To see what I want, to make it happen.

Roads, roads, roads and roads
                You and me, all of us stand,
Some will cheat, some would play fair
                And once they are done again
                                Will they ever bother to care?

Demise? Final Pit Stop?

  I was in my sleep. Far away I could hear wailing , crying, despair. A woman, no women in fact. It was disturbing. Sadness should always be despised, expelled, warded off. Life has taught me that. I tried to ignore that. Disquieting dreams should never be encouraged. I tried to doze back of again. Impossible!! It started becoming further more intense, the feeling took over and then I woke up. But then it was strange.  It wasn’t a dream that contained all that howling in. It was happening somewhere, somewhere really,  really close . I got up. It was 6 30 am. Not at all my time to wake up. Miles to go for it. It could be an inception of some sort, I wondered, and laughed off the thought the very next moment. But then, the front door, the living room was open. And then I was stunned, numb. All of that what I was experiencing was not any  supernatural-extra terrestrial state. It was something normal, something all of us would have to face, with no alternative given. Death. Some one had just died. MY neighbour was that some one.

                                Cancer it was. Though he had totally recovered from it a year back, it had to come back to him, and then engulfed him. He was not old, not young. Two children, both working, one married with a kid. No smokes, no alcohol. It was more of a surprise when he was diagnosed with it, in the first place. But then the so called creator is good with putting good people through a lot, isn’t he?. And now I was standing there, at their door step. The mortal body, soul less, motionless, lay there stock-still. People, family, friends, associates, all came to pay their homage.  Then came out a woman, almost unconscious, held by two other females. She was the wife. Her manifestation itself stated that, followed by the daughter, who was still in her senses, and that was the sad part. Cause she was still not over the truth that laid before her . A glimpse, and then they were taken away. A young lad ,around 28, stood there, and looked at the duo. And then he collapsed like an avalanche . He was the son.  He too was pulled away. On the stairs sat a man of 80. The father, rattling some philosophies. The news was too much for him to bear. He had already cried his part out. He seemed the most sensible. Sign of a man who has seen the world enough and has all the incidents of life holed up inside him. A distant relative was consoling them, and asking them to be stone hearted, strong, cause they knew it was coming. Tears were not going to help, he was saying. And I was like, we would see tough guy, when you go through the same.

                Death is so common yet so weird. It the way people associate death. And in the light of the same demented feeling I wondered. What if the soul, free from shackles, was sitting beside his carcass. Looking at his family, looking at the mass gathered to mourn his departure from the living world. How sad he would be to see his loved ones crying. I could think of him trying to convince them not to cry, cause he was now free. But the irony was I could then think of him being happy, seeing all the people who had gathered. It was cause they loved him. Being loved is a beautiful feeling.  Doesn’t matter before or after death. Irrespective of the fact of the source of love! When you are being thought of, you have done something worth with your life. Period!

                                Life is like compilation of many truths, small big. Death being the most dominant along with birth. Like Bryant McGill said, “ Birth and death; we all move between these two unknowns”. We know we are going to end up at the same state. No matter how much yoga we were to practice, innumerable botox intakes, and all the responses to the TV adds that promises you to add extra years into their lives lets face it, You gonna be dead. Before or after your loved ones. No escaping from it. People never realize it, or perhaps they are acting that they can not figure it out. No one is satisfied, but then it’s the human nature to always ask for more if its available for free. But then cause of the indifference he dies much before his actual death. Thinking all these couldn’t help my cause of reaching any where near the birth-death cycle. I could not agree more to Maurice Maeterlinck . He had once hailed, “All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.” So true!

Love, ever happend to you?.

He was standing there on the platform. People ruffled and whisked around him. It , to him seemed that he was the centrifuge, with everyone ruffling across him . It was almost time, he had heard the announcement. He had been on  call since long, EVEN now!. He was talking to some one, probably the same person even now. He heard a sound, far away it was. His heart skipped a beat, like always. He had been through this before, many a times. The same place,  same time, it was as if this part from his life that played on and on after rewinding itself, whenever he was at this place. He was anxious, he was happy, he was all confused, in the best way possible though.  The engine whisked past him, and his eyes started wandering, What was he looking for?! Only he knew. He saw his reflection, when the AC compartments were passing by. He didn’t like his hair the way it looked. He did a quick fix for that. He straightened  out his shirt a little. He looked okay now, at least as per his thoughts. And all this while talking on phone. It was someone on the train he was talking to. He kept on screaming loud, his voice fading out in the deafening sound of the train. “Kya che tu yaar. Mane nai dekhati tu. Where are you man. ?”  He kept on repeating the little editing versions of the same words every now and then. He excitement could not be hidden. And then he was still. Simply stand still. Hard like a rock. All but his face. He was smiling. He screamed into the receiver’s end of the phone, “There you are”. He  was not moving yet. As still as one can get. Even the tiniest particles were just still, cause the mere sight he saw was excruciating , but in a weird way. He liked being that.

The voice on the other side replied, “I can’t see you. Please tell me too where are you. It’s fair, you have seen me and I have not. You do this every time, don’t do this to me. Go to hell, I am not talking to you any more”. Her voice was eternal for him. He could have done anything for that kiddish, girlish, cute, amazing voice of hers.  It should have been so so special to him. That is the only reason , goosebumps attacked him every time they were about to have their rendezvous . He then walked, slowly, towards the door, where she was standing. The train was not still yet.

“Look back, I am right in front of the book stall you just passed by.”

“No luck still. Why do you have to do this every time, I am  seriously not talking to you.”

“Please. Come on you know I am not doing it, am I? Why would I ever tease you,?” he said . His voice cheeky.

The train stopped. He saw her , at the door, looking across the stream of people, searching for him. Then a smile, every guy’s dream. Something that everyone wishes for.  Devoid of all the vices, lust, pain, even happiness. It was love. Something at its purest attainable state ever.  Enlightenment may me.

They looked at each other. She got down, stood there looking at him, smiling, her attribute.  Himself, he thought, just another guy, most random one. He was in love. So was she. Beautiful much.

Towards, each other , they walked, and right there, in the middle of that crowd, all those people, they embraced each other.

“I love you” he said.

“Okay. So what?” She giggled. They laughed. Hands clamped . Both of them walked out.

                Creating something that has an element of love with it has to be amazing, isn’t it. All of us, at some or the other point in life must have experienced it. You can’t deny that. No you can’t. And once it happens, you are never the same.  It changes you, in and out, it adds many things to you. It gifts you memories. Memories that makes you laugh blankly, abruptly, out of the blue, starring at the dark corner, of your room. Memories that you can find similar to things happening around, or rather its your heart’s compulsion to relate it that way.  Memories that make you cry for no reason. They hurt you, they save you, they feed you and they themselves freak you too. Yes, they do, As ironic as it may seem, truth!!!! 

                People come close to you, you get attached, and then if then remain in your life until the end, you bloody well be the luckiest person alive on earth. Else, you go through a lot. A pain, a endeavor, that’s never ending,  a cut grown old by years, but still as fresh as a spring flower. And then the most thorny part is your friend telling you all those beautiful things he felt about his lady love, before he too got wrecked by life and you can’t just hear more cause even you have been through it in the past, and just were you thought you were done, its there , right in front of you again. Holding a mirror in front of you, You see yourself naked, and the part of the past inside you, through the skin. Indicating to remove separate it from you, you need to kill yourself first, or then else have the guts to live with it!! And then as they say , “you can’t hide your lying eyes.” Never from yourself, ever. Memories, that help you through the most loneliest moments you walk through, more as a shadows. Shadows are black, they are dark, but it’s always good to have company.

                You can’t have it all in life. Love is the most common one that falls in that genre , either you lose it acquiring it once, else you don’t get it at all. The latter part is more unforgiving. But whatever it is, how ever people say it is painful, How much ever you see all those pictures about denouncing love, you can’t  just run away.  After all , we all know, one of the most content phase of your life was true indeed was back then. Filling up the void is not easy, but not impossible too….  You never know when you would strike the cord right again ………

Ps: if any of my friends find any resemblance to any character or content in this article, yeah you are right, it is not at all a co incidence,,,,

Fast unto death, Justified?

Tens, hundreds, thousands,  millions .  Traders, employers, employees, entrepreneurs, men, woman, children.  In fact , and short, everyone. Well the last week has seen India becoming a circus for God knows why and what reasons. Probably, would even he know? Processions ,   demonstrations,  slogans, marches, candle light marches, caps, and what not. Anna Hazare, the second Gandhi, the new national hero, he has taken our country by storm indeed, and that too in style. Bows to him for that.

                Last night while I was sitting and thinking about what should my next venture be, I saw Ajjtak news flash, “Anna has lost 5 kilos of weight in a week of Annshan”. Somewhere I read a slogan, “Ye Anna nahi andhi hai, Desh ka naya Gandhi hai.”

                LOKPAAL BILL. Something that has been tearing apart the UPA  government, something that assures the people of India that it is time now. None would be spared from Punishment, not even the Prime minister. LokPaal Bill, something that talks about being the antidote for the biggest parasite thriving on our nation, corruption, something that promises our nation, us, our future generations, a better place to live. A thought, amazing one . Refreshing, replenishing, assurance of  a rising era.

                 It started a week before. Seeing no potential outcome for the fast that he had undertaken a few months back, Anna Hazare  decided that it was do or die for him now, now or never, never ever in future he is going to get another chance after this. And he gave a call, openly to each and every citizen of India to join him for his fast unto death, at Delhi. Citizens, for whom, the name had already had become household, poured in all their support too. Within minutes, he was behind bars,. And then started the so called August Kranti, the revolution, the rebellion, that even today is continuing, even at this hour. . But with a non violent aspect.           

                Ministers, leaders, big , small, all of them rushed to the Tihar jail, in  out, again in, again out. Just so as to convince the man to give up, to assure him his demands would be fulfilled, to tell him that his stipulations were primary concern that were to be undertaken soon. Even inside the jail he gatherd supporters, And when two days back, he was released, the man power behind him increased exponentially. Respect, utter respect for this guy, who’s doing this just for the future generation, who has no family to be selfish for, he has no greed behind this. All this just for the sake of us . But more or less, some where his paths, they don’t seem  right to me. Yet again, I am no one to judge, but as they say, I have the right to expression.

                No harm in all the marches and all, but how many of them even know what they are fighting for. An extraordinary factor is that the whole activity has been carried out with out troubling the people, with out jamming the roads, and with out shops being destroyed, or lit with fire (UK connection). And even after so much efforts, I would not be surprised if the bill would be passed. But what would surprise me would be the same people, who stand with it, would turn against it once it is put into practice.

                For us everything is about convenience, even bribing, . We bribe a policeman so that we don’t have a case charged up against us. We bribe an official so that one dosen’t have to stand in queues or run after the same place, for one and the same reason again and again.

                 Now coming to the core issue.  The issue of passing the bill by August 30 is utter non sense. If he has enough knowledge about the bill, then he should have more than enough information about how our Indian parliament system works. I mean it seriously takes  months to pass a biull even if both the houses and the President and the Prime Minister already agree upon it. So if he talks about passiong the bill by August 30, day dreaming is what I can say. And coming to the second aspect, more moral one though. Every one of us, does favour bribing, at some or the other level. And as I said, its for our convenience itself. The day the bill is passed, it is lost . The police man , whom we used to settle by 100 bucks, would drag us to court and ask us to settle things by paying 1400 more. No doubt the country would start cleaning up all its filth, but it would be worth watching to see even if half of the people who support it now, even know about it, and even if they know, would support it then. Cause they always say, Its easier said than done.  And talking about India, where even the government censes is in accurate, how the hell is the bill going to be evenly active. Can any one answer that. They tell us only 1411 tigers left, and when  we start the campaign about saving them, they tell is they are not sure about it. Some one to the rescue please.

                And at last but not the least. What if inspired by this act of heroism, someone stands up tomorrow, proclaiming fast unto death, for another reason, for another amendment may be, and seeing him again some one stands up for some other need of self or society. India is a democratic country, it is known for it, the only thing that is sustaining since ages. We don’t want to be destroyed too.  It should not be upto some individual who has a fan following base to decide things. I wonder what would happen if SRK starts a fast asking for complete tax exemption, considering the fan following he has.

                I am in favour of the bill being passed. But then the means should be something that makes sense. I do understand it for a noble cause, but it ain’t be in such a way that it makes a mess out of our system, and be set up as a bad example of our youth.

                Love for India.!!!!

Coins

They trade you , like you belong to them

            Think that they own,….

Nothing matters, wrong or right,

            Right or wrong , cause they don’t care

They want to take with, all this treasure, this filth,

            Set up their tombstones on coins..

Coins, which buy, Coins that sell…

            Coins my friend would put you through hell

Stringed puppets, they preside over

            Naïve, we are, we don’t even know

 Trap is set, the moment we are born..

            Life long at their mercy then..

Put up by us , to the power, to the throne.

            Power that turns them Blind.

Turn to leaches, they fuck up our lives.

            Born equal, But unequal we perish..

They want to take with, all this treasure, this filth,

            Set up their tombstones on coins..

Coins, which buy, Coins that sell…

            Coins my friend would put you through hell

SMOKES

We blow it up, we smoke ’em  up,

                               White ecstasy I say

The  fire, at its far end

                               Lays to rest, or soul inside

Weed we live for, rather it makes us live

                               We crush em up, we roll em up

Then the rings , that we make up
                                We show the world the artist inside

We sing, we dance, we play, we act

                                No one but just ourselves for we.

None to heed, None to worry..

                                Kings of our Kingdom we be

High on our minds, High on our dreams.

                                Dreams that seemed impossible befire..

We live and feel, feel and live

                                 Those moments, but the moments ain’t true though.

Pavements and streets and stairs we sit

                                 Every night, it’s a different light

To this world we are just a bunch of morons.

                                  Poor souls they are, they don’t even know.                           

The door that closed

 Part 1
Emily lay there,, on the soft Double cot bed of hers.. The Sheets were a mess…. And so were the bed spreads… The white cushions  were stained,, RED .. By  blood probably or was it?… Over head.. she could see the lamp glowing with all its might…. And its light was so blinding… she couldn’t really guess what was going on.. where was she!?..... why was she there,…. What was going to happen next… All These questions .. were running though her mind!!!...As a guy chasing the girl of his dreams!! The room was white,,, off white though at all those artistic arches, ornamental ceilings  and enhancing art works inspired by 18th century India.

  Then suddenly something happened,, Like an oasis inside a desert, Like a deafening blast in silence,,, Like a sudden gift of vision to a guy who has been blind all his life,,, Emily heard the door crack open.. and saw a figure, she thought would be her savior,,,,, Savior.. She had decided and told herself that it had to be some one who had come to help her.. to rescue her.. to take her away from this place… Cause right from the moment she had her eyes opened..  She was feeling weird…!!! Unsafe.. Insecure… the closed door kind off gave her a bad feeling from the first instance.. It seemed like the door,, It was slammed shut. Never ever going to be opened back for her, again.
.
Tall , well built was the man who stood before her eyes,, And it was all she could make out of the haze… The silhouette of the figure that stood before her … Chiseled body… Muscular arms.. legs. Brawny bosom. .. and a bald head… She really prayed and wished that it was him!!... After all these few moments of terror,, of the fear of unknown… the figure, she thought,, had ought to be friendly…


And then the man leaned forward… The mere touch of him made Emily tremble….. But it felt soothing as he lifted her!!!,, Now walking though the door.. her heart had stopped racing.. She knew who it was.. That touch.. the feeling.. she can never forget it.. The arms she was in.. Was one of the fewest places where she would find peace ,care and ,armor It was John… Her John…… As the walked out of the door.. he looked at her.. and smiled.. She smiled back.. But there were many more things hidden in her smile…. Happiness, relief and most importantly ,love, for him,,,, She couldn’t yet make out where was she…. But the fact that John was there… gave her a fairy tale like tingle .. a prince who always comes to rescue the troubled princes.. The warrior who’s always there too protect the girl!!!.

They walked down the stairs.. went out through the main door.. to the courtyard!,,, where he out Emily down.. She didn’t want to get down!!!,,But she was more concerned about the John.. Being a scientist had its own pros and cons!!!! They climbed into his car,, and the drive began.. a drive she didn’t knew from where or where it  would end!!!!!!!

John Smith was a scientist at Newtown Research Facility!!,,,,, Born poor,, abandoned.. brought up at a local orphanage  in London.. Ambitious,,, that is and is only the word that can be used to showcase what he used to be from childhood. Being a doctor, he had that dream in him.. cause the most inspirational man in his life.. Ref Father Jacob Marshall was one. But he wanted to be a doctor with difference!,,, And all of it led him to being one of the world’s most famous medical scientist.. But One thing that no one knew was his desire to be rich.. by hook or by crook.. something that gave him a lethal  edge over all his good qualities!!!!!!


And this famous persona him itself  had set up his meeting with Emily.. It was more of a love at first sight for Emily. She had fallen for the man.. the moment they were introduced at the new year eve’s party at a friend’s….. The Day now exits for her as more of an anniversary celebration rather than a new year’s eve.

But for john.. he looked at her as his jackpot.. It seemed to him as if she was the reward.. A reward he was being endowed with  for all those hard work he had put in.. Everything, but riches. He had in his life.. And in Emily he saw that. Money and wealth,. Some of the few things that can drive a man crazy.. It was all as quick as lighting since that day.. their first date was the very next day.. and the courtship carried on for almost 4 months!!,, And then the couple tied the knot.. a They soon had a baby boy too.. Max… Life was like the exact image EMILY had in her mind.. Every time they made love…!! She would feel more close to him.. She would feel complete.. She felt like the luckiest woman alive on earth,,,,

On the contrary,, for john it was all part of the big master plan he had in his mind.. The marriage ,all fake …. The kid was all but a social security symbol , so that no one ever would doubt him in his plans… Every time they made love. John felt like he was punishing a slave.. Day in and day out, he acted,, in front of his colleagues,, society and, and most importantly Emily,,,,, But inside the fire would always be burning…. The desire.. the plan.. he was just waiting for the day… The day he would put the wheels into motion... and get what he always he had deserved.. but never got, but believed Emily was the chance God gave him to get his rights..

 Part 2


This side of John Smith .. no one ever knew about it… He appeared so different to the outside world… that the people close to him won’t  even believe that he had a evil side,, full of revenge,, anger and frustrations.. Even if it was the pope himself claming any such thing….
During His studies and research the one thing that fascinated him was dreams… The power they contained,,, He had understood the fact that if one pursues the dreams, with his heart, he would achieve it,,, no mater how many or how big the obstacles may be.. And the proof for the matter fact.. he saw in himself… He was famous,,, and an doc… More of a scientist kind.. as he always wanted.. And so when it came to being rich.. He was sure about the fact that ,, as always in his life dreams are going to play an important role here too.. But this time. He didn’t want it to be something that happens during the sleep.. a mere activity.. performed by every living soul.. Not just anything that’s just inspirational.. He wanted it to be the key!,, HE wanted Dreams to be the hero of His self cooked story!,,, Apparently  he was obsessed with dreams!!,,,


Some where he had read that people can be influenced in dreams!,, You can make people do what you want them to do,,, You can  control them!,,,, All you need is to find a way to enter their dreams.. or make them enter yours!!!,,, Hypnotism was always a second choice for him,, Much of a plan B,,, cause for John.. Things had to be different!!,, he wanted to invent his own some way,, Some thing that would never be detected , completely fool proof.. And this mere thought gave him the inspirations!.. The thought laid the foundation… It buried the seeds… whose crops he hoped to devour..

Uncomparable reading, research, experiments, and finally he came up with a device.. HALLUCINATOR,,, He believed he could enter the dreams of people through it!... HE had dedicated his precious life to come up with such a device!!!! The device,helped the user to enter the dreams of whomsoever he wanted to, create his on set up.. and make the target dance according to the tunes of the pied piper,,, …….
The first Experiment, his secretary, Laila McDonald… He drugged her coffee.. and she was down and out for hours.. After the whole set up… creating his own world in her dreams , invited her into it.. He was always fascinated by how much she loved her boy friend, Ryan Mattews.. The only two persons she trusted was her dad Robert McDonald and her love.. But sadly Mr. McDonald was already enjoying his holiday up in heavens .

In her world, he took her to the McDonald mansion.. The old man was lying on his death bed .. Desperate to get out a secret out from his heart,,, to his baby… All he said was,” Princess, Ryan’s cheating on you.. He’s fooling around.. He would betray you any moment he wants” ..

Next day headlines of the newspapers read. : “Women Kills her boyfriend and commits suicide..”
Yeah.. The Hallucinator was a success now..


Since that day,,, John planned on ways to plant the worm inside Emily,… Ways , on how he could get her killed by herself,,, and yet walk away unquestioned.. with dignity within the society.. and most importantly with all her wealth,, Money, greed. Every bit of goodness in him was sucked by those two things!, Like an infant sucks out milk when the mother feeds.. till the last drop…
And then on the D day. John did the same with Emily as he had did with Laila.. Few Sleeping pills to a glass of milk. And she was all there for him to execute his mission………….


When In dreams You Never know from where you arrive .. how you come or end up.
where was she!..... why was she there,…. What was going to happen next… All These questions .. were running though her mind!!!.

She was in a dream. She was there cause John had set her up there….


John very well knew that one thing that EMliy cant with stand is guilt.. So at the end of their drive. John took her to a drive in cinema…  It played a scene.. Young Emily and her brother. She pushing him into the pool.. and laughing as she saw him drown… Sitting next to him.. Emily had tear drops in her eyes.. And John had a wicked smile on his face.. He knew he had won….

The worm had been planted…………

First thing Emily did after waking up the next morning was grab a bottle of whiskey,, and the keys to her car… The whiskey to withstand the guilt she had contained in her self. The thought.. that she had killed her Little, own brother… Made her think she did not have any right to live,,,, She furiously drove her car though the alleys.. footpaths… and then a Bus…

A newspaper write next day: “Drinking and driving.. Woman gets killed”:

And with Emily’s death being clear to the world as an accident. John had won.. HE had succeed in wat he had planned.. He considered this as his biggest prize.. Grandest acclamation.. Much, much ,Much more than the million dollar inheritance from Emily’s properties.. and the other millions he was going to make out of the Insurance policies…..

And as always he knew .. Dreams were his keys to success..

Epilogue

“And the first prize goes to Miss Betty Paul”, announced the Judge… As the 16 year old made her way to the stage to collect her Prize for the sma;; story she had submitted.. The crowd could not help but to stand up and clap for the child genius,,, But there was one person who was smiling.. But it was more of a wicked one.. It was Betty’s elder sister Paula,,, Just like any other day with pen and paper.. and she had made Betty a over night genius.. .. And inside.. She was waiting for the day her book got released.. and the day she would be waving to much larger crowd than this.

Dreams here too ….

MUmbai Diaries

                          Realizations, they come when you expect them the least. Always, I wondered, what’s the point about going to far off places, about new experiences, and all those artists writing about them. For I always thought , the best way was to just sit and scribble, and let your heart out. But then the weekend, Mumbai, endowed me with whole new aspect of extravaganza, of what writing can be.

                           Hope, the sole reason, the pillar on which half, no more than half. No rather the whole world survives. For some its about studies, to others its about money, and to a special class of people, perhaps the most prevailing and the most prominent ones, hope is all about living another day, rather passing, SURVIVING .      

                        Mumbai, Bombay, the theater of dreams, where the world’s most stunning turn of events happens. From rags to riches and , and ,and  down the hill like an avalanche too. Millions of people, with their billions of dreams, ride down to this city, with their HOPE, of making it grand.

                        I was always habituated to hear how happening the city was, how you could enjoy your life to fullest on your small trips and et cetera et cetera. Indeed all the fun part I hear is true, it is supposed to be true after all It is Mumbai. But seems like all of them haven’t yet seen the other, more darker side of it.

                        Let me make it more simple in case you are wondering where I am heading to. have you ever bothered, sitting in those local carriages, to look at the guy, dressed in formals, trying to sell you wallets, the ones which have a NIKE or REEBOK symbol over them, for just 15 rupees, His face remains the same always, even when he’s proclaiming his arrival, plain, emotion less. And then when he reaches till the last seat, and sees no chance of landing a deal, there goes his hand into his bag. One by one, he pulls out, one by one, all the remaining wallets. Black, brown, again black and brown. This goes on until the last one has been singled out. And then, clutching them, in between his fingers, he stares them, but still, the eyes are pale, the face is plain, devoid of any colors. Still I am wondering and trying  to figure out, what was he thinking, how much can he sell so that he can fill his own.

                        And I guess, You wouldn’t even would have noticed all those traders, at Linking road, who use all those modus operandi, doesn’t matter f it’s the fake accent to attract the African tourists, their not-so-dance-like dance moves, or their typical Indian style announcements of sale. There was this market, full of muslim traders, who even in this race with the life situation were keeping alive their tradition of Roza. I recall  Nizam, age 19, who was at one of those shops. You must all know, shopping with out bargaining is impossible. And while I was trying him to go down with the prices, he was requesting me to at least be with the market price. He says,”Is mein to mera kya hoga bhai. 1400 mahine ka bhada hai dukan ka, thoda bahut mujhe bhi kamana hai. Tumhe itne mein dunga to main kya khaunga. Aur upar se abhi to Ramzzan hai, roz 100 rupaiya to aise hi kharaz ho jata hai, Kuch to mera maan rakho mere bhai,”. All off and little more of that made me sit with him, and talk, probably for an hour of so. He wanted to be an enginner, Scored 88% in HSC, But now was there, amongst dust , sweat and disappointment,

                        The night life, as exciting it sounds, has more devastating stories. The sex workers, whom most of us consider untouchables, are the ones who make their families churn. They sometimes need some one to talk to, to share stuff, its not always about sex for them. Great friends they make. And those tea-coffee vendors on cycles who kill their sleeps at night, just to make sure they can cash in on those brats who would just set out during nights just for fun or just cause they can’t sleep. I met one such guy. His first day, rather night, on the streets of Mumbai,  and me the first customer. Talking in half broken hindi, the tamilian guy was doing as much as he could, just to impress me and my friends, and the way he treated the 50 rupee note we gave him, made me realize…..  Life ain’t that easy for everyone.

                        And last but not the least, the train travel again. Eunuch, or lets say Hijras, as you my recognize  them. They come , the ask for money , they bless if you give, curse if you don’t. After that, no idea, I would tell you. After that they meet the cops. Those cops, who are bound to protect us , they and everyone> and what do they do, they literally snatch away their money, and just hurl abuses and then walk away. Behind, she cries, and no one listens. Then as the train moves, I see her wiping the tears with the far enf of her pallu, getting hold of the next guy she gets, pinching him, clapping, and trying to get whatever she can, Even a penny would do. Even she would have some one to look after. Every one has their own Burdens.

                        Hope, as I said. Its all about survival for all of them, while we sit and talk about the ride on the sea link, or the burgers at KFC. And I always  thought everything was fair in life, like two sides of a coin. Seems like it isn’t that way though.

I Felt

I was walking through the trails,
            That you had passed by
Feet went cold, by what I saw
How you cried and how you were weeping,
            All that despair in your eyes…..

I felt the urge to kill, or get killed,
            Die to be born ,born better
Scratch my arms , palms till
            Till the last drop of red wine bleeds out.

The holy touch, It seemed what It was
            The nails, going deep in that naked flesh of mine
Triumph I felt went I saw, I felt, My eyes go black,
            Hovering above I Saw the face
……………………..bloody happy red face of hers……

Tribute: God of Grunge

It has been long, since I have played with words, or perhaps even touched them. And then I felt the urge to start over fresh, completely new. And while thinking of what I should write, it just dawned upon me that if its all about new beginning, then I should perhaps concentrate on some one who would help me keep this  new found Lighting glowing till long. And it was then I decided,, Its was going to be sir KURT DONALD COBAIN.

                               People who don’t love him definitely hate him, for sure. Rather during his times and even later, for those who didn’t like him, he was more of a drug addict, a Bad icon or idol or example for the youth. For them his music was fake, annoying, untrue, a lie and that too they had to make themselves believe that it was all of them for the sole reason that they couldn’t see him grow right in front of their eyes, a simple normal boy, with some extraordinary capabilities. And for those who loved him, he was the one who filled them with teen spirit, and made them happy cause he showed them in their head who their friends was.

                                 Rebellious , is what his childhood can be best explained as, but that wasn’t his faulty exactly. The bitter divorce of his parents, and then the custody fight, left him torn during teen age  , and it always had a lasting effect on his life. Perhaps it were one of the most significant events that eventually made what he was out of him, how ever good or bad.

                                    As far as the artist inside him was concerned, Cobain was born with all of them. Apart from being the song writer, musician and singer he was, he painted too ,not the conventional way though, typical him. And not the conventional way as in, he sometimes used his sweat in case he couldn’t find anything else to use up in his creations.
                                      Beatles were the first, and most probably the biggest musical influence he had while growing up and it was so long lasting that it remained until the day he passed away, John Lennon being his idol as he had confessed in an interview after his MTV unplugged concert in 1994. Growing up in  small town in  of Seattle, Cobain became frequent at all  of the music joints of the so called YOUNG , Melvin’s being one, he met Krist Novoselic who would later become with him the core member of ‘Nirvana’, although he had to persuade him much for it. Dropping out of school was never going to be easy for him. Being thrown out of the house too , he would spend nights on streets and turn up at any of his friends’ for staying up.   Life never was soft on him, Too cruel to be precise.

                                     Nirvana was formed during the late 1980’s with he as the lead guitarist/ vocalist and Krist Novoselic as the bassist. The band’s first official release was the album Bleach which was released in 1989.

                                      Kurt had been too emotional all through in his life. His own life being a plot for most of his songs. Love life, broken relationships,  homelessness. Every thing!!!.
                                      When he broke up with his first girl friend, Tracy Marander, he was so drained by the feeling that he ended up writing 40 songs about her, ‘About a girl’ being one. It was that emotion that made a great song writer out of Cobain. As they say, there’s no great teacher than life itself.

                                      Nirvana’s breakthrough album was Nevermind, which featured Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic  and  Dave Gorhl as the drummist who then was with them until the end. The track Smells like teen Spirit featured  on many of the charts, and this was the jump start they needed. Then came the inflow of shows and offers to not only them, but to all big and small bands who had their roots in Seattle, He was the sole responsible person for creating the whole Seattle rock scene.

                                        Nevermind’s  success even brought in to light the band’s first album Bleach into the lime light and then the band’s popularity stared kicking in. Often much was said about the music they created, Nirvana had created all together a new kind of sound, which was called grunge, much like alternate rock, but then it was not alternate rock, Cobain once said about his music ; “I was looking for something a lot heavier, yet melodic at the same time. Something different from heavy metal, a different attitude.”
Different Attitude,. Definitely Cobain .

                                          As he had fans and admirers, he had people, against him. His song writing was often criticized , and all together a new message was always interpreted from his lyrical efforts. Also he was a great supporter  of homosexuality, He was once Quoted saying ,”I fell proud about being a gay, though I am not one”. And as far as his critics were concerned he had let his songs do all the talking. Rape me, was one such talking he did.

                                            Drug addiction is what most of the people consider the main reason of his downfall. But most of the people don’t know why he took them initially before it became an addiction. He had a chronic stomach condition, which all the doctors he went couldn’t diagnose. "It started with three days in a row of doing heroin and I don't have a stomach pain. That was such a relief,”. But then it became a great addiction, which he couldn’t handle. He started to turn up completely High at the concerts and that had started to raise an alarm among his fellow mates.

                                             Marriage was more of an accident in his life. The courtship of Courtney Love was just a few months old when the couple found out that she was pregnant. They got married in the winter of 1992 and had a daughter the following august.

                                             Nirvana’s last official gig was at MTV’s Unplugged concert in 1993, where he played his heart out. Most people claim that was the best of Kurt Cobain where he played a few songs he never did before, and even got few of the people he admired to play with him. That was the last High the band saw together.

                                              An intervention at home along with family and friends was how Cobainw as convinced to join a rehab center at Los Angeles , Califonia. But that was after much compulsion and persuasion  by the people involved. But he just spent a day there. The night he was admitted, he jumped over the fence and returned back home to Seattle. He wandered for a few days around in the town.



                                                 Few days later on April 8, Cobain was found at his home in Lake Washington, DEAD, . He had shot himself with a Shotgun and left a note. That was his 2nd attempt for a suicide, and turned out he was successful. But he did start a legacy, that is still going on. Nirvana’s music is still liked, perhaps more than during the times the band even existed. And even in death, he wanted to add his tinge of distinctiveness. He died as a member of the 27 club, along with the likes of him.
R.I.P. Cobain. Thank you for coming to the world.

                                                    As I said, I wanted to get back to writing, but was always wondering how would I start afresh, then I realized, nothings better that the man whom I admire the most. And that’s how I ended up paying a tribute to the best in the trade as far as I am concerned . \m/